“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
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Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably