Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
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The pen is writier than the sword.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
this will hang in the louvre one day
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.