50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
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Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale