Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
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Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
The funk soul brother
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Denise please return my vape pen
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing