My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
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Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon