Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!