[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
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We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
your elf on the shelf was delicious
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents