Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
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Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Check your privilege