We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
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Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Put a ring on it
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE