Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Fidel Castro was alive?
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
DOOO EEEET
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate