I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
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“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
this… may be the greatest story ever told
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”