Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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There is wisdom there.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
How funny!
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *