Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
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I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji