Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
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Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
#FunnyLife Insects
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998