Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am