Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
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Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..