Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
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Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken: