Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
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ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Sharon, call the vet
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*