My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
You Might Also Like
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.