“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
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[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Monica just destroyed the internet
They got a point!
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*