“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Sharon I have some bad news
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.