[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
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English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Nice try Hitler
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.