me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
You Might Also Like
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again