My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Goat cheese is for herders.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR