Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
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You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
umm…
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup