suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
O Wise One….
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
This fish is cracking me up
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”