ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
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[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Google Pay be like:
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]