If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”