23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.