“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
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King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?