Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
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NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
(2022)
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere