If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
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Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
lot going on here, legally speaking.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.