I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Effort made
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣