The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
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I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering