I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
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[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.