[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
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A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Dear Lord..
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.