I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
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You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
a god among men
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.