When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I’m aging like a fine banana
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.