I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
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Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Steam Forums
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*