When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
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I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Stop sending me this shit.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.