A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
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In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
This bar smells like my childhood.