one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Thrilling chase underway
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.