When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
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just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
sistine chapel
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Florida be like…
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Bloody internet 😳