Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
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Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
*jazz hands*
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops