judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
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date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
idk what this dog had been going through but same