As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box