{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
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I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.