Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
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Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.