Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
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they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes