I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
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me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
The best shot in the history of golf
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.